The Sex Obsession: Revisited

They say that as you get older you get wiser. Well no one told us how messy adult life really was and by that I mean no one warned me that things would indeed not get easier but rather the web would get more intricate. I stumbled upon a post I wrote in 2010 during my first year of college (SIX YEARS AGO) title “The Sex Obsession: To Fuck Buddy or to Fuck Your Buddy?” (Google it because that shit is good) and I am floored. We often talk about what we wish we could go back and tell our younger selves but in this moment I’m wishing my younger self was my Lizzie McGuire sidekick warning me about what I was about to endure. She’d probably save me a lot of trouble, heartache and headache.

In the post in reference to fuck buddy and friends with benefits relationships I write a compelling piece about why you should always keep your hands out of the proverbial cookie jar ending with:

Of course I might just have to one day soon…in the name of research of course. Who knows, maybe I could have this whole seconds thing wrong! And maybe Samantha from SATC really doesn’t screw a lot of people. Same concept, don’t you think?

Oh how I wish I had listened. But at least I got the “research” done right? *Major eye roll* Maybe the point of this blog wasn’t actually for anyone but myself. Maybe the younger me knew that I was going to fuck up a lot of shit in my future relationships and therefore thought it wise to create a sort of manual for me for when I started descending toward a disgustingly obvious crash landing. Well thank you little me, I’m using that manual now.

I’ve reached the stage in my life where I no longer want a fuck buddy or a friends with benefits. I didn’t know what that meant for me though until now. Reading my post and seeing how unafraid young me was to have a one night stand makes me happy and reminiscent. The idea of just picking and ditching men seems wholly doable. Somewhere along the road I forgot how much of a Samantha and a vixen I was and didn’t consider this again. I guess that’s what having a controlling fuck buddy will do to you. He’s somehow managed to diminish my light so that I’ve felt less bright, less beautiful and all over less than without him. Not cool bro, not cool at all. Whether or not he meant to do it isn’t the point, the point is that he somehow managed to do it.

I have to take charge and I have to take my sexual prowess back and listen to the younger me. The younger me would say stop being afraid of getting out there! You’re not old, you’re young and fabulous and yes you bought all that lingerie for YOU but some hot guy out there would love to see it too (but NOT FWB because he doesn’t deserve to even see you in the real world anymore. He can stick to Instagram). And if I want to sleep with a guy and send him home the next day, that’s totally fine. If I want to date around that’s more than okay and if I find someone with whom I want to lock it down that’s fantastic.

My point is, even though I didn’t want to admit it, a part of me was waiting around for FWB in hopes that he would see what was in front of him and he would pick me. But you can’t make someone see that and you shouldn’t have to. I’m taking my time, my worth and my ah-mazing sexual prowess back. I deserve better and I’m giving myself better.

*Sidenote: Currently reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes and listening to “Better” by Meghan Trainor on repeat*

You Know You Love ME 🙂

-TW 😉

I’m Not One for Cold Turkey

I have learned that I am not the kind of person who can easily engage in Cold Turkey. Cold Turkey is for those people who…to be honest I don’t know who can do cold turkey but it’s certainly not me. At least not when it comes to quitting FWB. He’s a type of coping mechanism and he’s consistent. I asked D. whether she thought he would contact me again (since you know, we always want what seems unattainable and his not responding to my texts this weekend makes him feel somewhat unattainable) and she said “_____ will contact you when he wants you.” That made me feel better because it reinforces the idea that a time will come again when he wants me. This is based on fact, however because the time always does come.

We play this game of texting, avoiding, obsessively contacting, avoiding and then giving in. It’s like the Marina and the Diamonds song “Power & Control”.

Give a little, get a lot
That’s just how you are with love
Give a little, get a lot
Yeah, you may be good-looking but you’re not a piece of art

Power, control
I’m gonna make you fall
Power, control
I’m gonna make you fall

Women and men, we are the same
But love will always be game
We give and take a little more
Eternal game of tug and war

Think you’re funny, think you’re smart
Think you’re gonna break my heart
Think you’re funny, think you’re smart
Yeah, you may be good-looking but you’re not a piece of art

If you’ve never listened to a Marina song, you’re truly missing out. This girl gets me and she gets relationships. Real talk. I can’t listen to her all the time because I hate feelings but when I do listen to her, she lays it all out for me. I’m like “girl YAS”. But anyway, the relationship I have with FWB all revolves around this idea of power and control. He needs to have control, I need to have control. We’re both struggling to keep the power in the relationship… it’s fucking messy. Like having a kid that throws spaghetti everywhere messy. Neither of us wants to clean it up but we keep allowing it. Maybe that makes us the children but I prefer to think that I’m the true adult in this relationship.

I went to see someone to talk out parts of the relationship that were glaringly clear and unacceptable to me and it reaffirmed the idea that it’s probably time for round three of therapy. I had a therapist abroad and one during the entirety of my senior year of college and they were both extremely helpful. I’ve been doing swimmingly on my own for the past two years and have officially (minus the few road bumps) kicked my nasty little habit to have control over my life and yet… I haven’t kicked the urge to have control just the method in which I perform it.

*And now I’m listening to “Lies” by Marina because this post has brought me back to those feelings*

So what does this mean for me? Just that I wrote seven pages in my journal last night processing my life and its current state as well as my relationship with FWB and how to get through it. Currently I’ve decided (with the help of the person I chatted with) that I don’t need to quit him cold turkey. I’ve tried over and over again and failed and I hear the definition of insanity involves doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Let’s not drive myself insane over this asinine person.

So I’m back to focusing on myself, getting my best body (and as Khloe K. might say, my revenge body) and bettering my mind. Feeding my soul and turning this city on it’s head. LA was made for me and everyone knows it so I need to make the best of this year. I don’t want to look back and regret it. I want to learn from this experience. So I will live through this and do my best to have good intentions and stop overanalyzing or assuming. You’d think I would’ve learned already that when I assume, I’m really only fucking myself over. What I assume FWB is thinking is probably not what he’s thinking. In fact he’s probably not even thinking about that. He knows me and so he knows that I’m going to have my bouts of crazy dramatic. So in that case why waste time and mental energy worrying about something that doesn’t matter in the long run?

I have way too much confidence and pride and talent and intellect to let anyone run up on me with total bs. And so, cold turkey is not my method but self-love and self worth is to kick this new habit. I’ve got to get out before I get hurt (or if we’re being honest – and this is a subject where I hate honesty- beforeI get any more hurt than I already am). Pray for me babes! You Know You Love ME 🙂

-TW 😉

Guess Who

And in the habit of blogging while a student, your favorite Westsider is back and better than ever (and maybe just as confused about love as ever too). It’s been YEARS friends and for that I am truly sorry, but so much has changed within those past two years. Let’s see if I can give a quick recap…

1. I graduated from college in 2014 with my Bachelors from our favorite beach-side party school. It was a wild ride but I’m delighted that my undergraduate career is over. I’ve grown so much since there.
2. I worked for two years in that same beautiful beach town. I loved my job, I loved my coworkers, I learned so much and I was able to stay close to friends. In addition,  I really honed in on that whole self-care and self-awareness thing. Personally and professionally I endured SO MUCH GROWTH these past two years and I’m waiting to see what self-improvements will be made within this next year.
3. I experienced death for the first time. My grandfather passed away in early January and it was devastating. It’s been a rough transition for our family and it gave me an insight into my family dynamic that I was shielded from for a long time. I’ve been grieving even more for my mom’s loss than mine at times.
4. Around the same time that my grandfather passed away (actually the day before his funeral, the day of his funeral and the week back from his funeral) I got into my top choice graduate programs UCLA, UT Austin and George Washington University (respectively). Naturally I chose one of them to attend.
5. I spent the summer in Northern California with my mom and finally got my shit together working out. I’ve lost ten pounds and am on my way to completing my goal of 30. I’ve also gained quite a bit of muscle and lost fat. My exact percentages as of Monday are 26.4% body fat (down from around 30 something) and 40% muscle. My goal is 22% body fat and 45% muscle as of now. The hardest part of grad school is forcing myself awake from my nap to go to the gym. I had that exact struggle today, I kid you not.
6. I’m sleeping with FWB again. Well, kind of. This summer marked three years of hooking up together and we’re on our way into the fourth. For those of you who still keep up with this blog and remember him, I want to know your thoughts. For those of you who may be new, you may have to do a little digging for the background but in essence I want to know your thoughts on long-term hooking up. HOWEVER, I’m trying to go cold turkey on him. These past few years have been very rocky with us and last September he really fucked me over. I’m going to write about that soon. Like to the point where I shouldn’t have come back to him. Today I had a breakdown because I realized something he’d done was absolutely unforgivable (it wasn’t to me but that’s besides the point) yet I still slept with him after. I texted him today and he wanted me to come over even after he told me that he would come out here this time around. Here’s the thing with us and with him – it’s always a power struggle. The power dynamic is fucking exhausting. Like real life exhausting. It’s mentally draining, it’s physically draining and it’s monetarily draining when one person is driving to the other’s place all the damn time. And I’m done being drained. I want to be done being worn down and so I am forcing myself to be strong. The amount of times I’ve said I’m going to walk away from him or stop talking to him is truly embarrassing. It’s like I’m a fucking addict. I don’t like that. It’s weakness plain and simple and I am not a weak person. I’m a bad fucking betch. But the thing is I’ve developed feelings in the sense of caring about him to some degree and caring about what he thinks about me and that’s hard for me to admit. When I admit that I feel incredibly weak and disappointed but I’m realizing that the only way to get over him and to get to that realm of not caring is to be honest with myself. Not to mention the fact that our universities are rivals and we all know how sexy sports rivalry are to me (that’s how Mr. Friend and I got started after all). I am honestly infatuated to some degree with this [little] boy (because he really has a lot of growing up to do still before he’s a man) and I need to acknowledge that and get passed it. A boy can’t miss what’s constantly in his face and therefore I’m dipping out. He doesn’t know how good he has it with me and therefore I’m peacing out so someone else can have that opportunity.

Whew. What a paragraph. In essence friends, this is why I’m back. This blog really helped me unpack my love life and give me clarity and I’m at a point where I desperately need that again. I’m officially in a big city (Hello Los Angeles!) and I’m attending an elite university (don’t you DARE say USC, which is ironic considering I used to love that football team) and living a soon-to-be/fabulous new life on the Westside. I basically have everything I need and so much of what I’ve always wanted yet I’m still wrapped in a black hole of fuck boys. I’m single and actually loving it (not fake loving, real loving) and though I want more in the form of companionship, I can do without the label of a boyfriend (I just cringed a little. Relationship labels make me feel claustrophobic right now in my life). And so I want to take y’all on that journey with me as I figure out what this new chapter looks like for me! Which brings me to my last two updates:

7. I’m officially in graduate school for my Masters! WOO! I made it and I’m so excited for the challenge (which began six weeks ago when my program started in a summer session). Though now we’re hitting a break until fall quarter which I desperately need. I’m also enthused about the fact that I officially attend a huge football school! Call me #blessed.

8. I’m 24, fabulous, wiser and more aware than ever before. But also more trusting in some capacities and more susceptible to getting the small hopeless romantic left in me crushed if I don’t watch out. I’m redefining what it means to be vulnerable and open and sexually liberated and I’m redefining how I live my life and making sure that I’m living it for ME and truly for ME (and the big man upstairs).

So here we go y’all! Sex and the Socialite is back. You Know You Love ME 🙂

– The Westside 😉

Spring Cleaning

Hey bloggers! It’s been a little while since my last post but I’ve been extremely stressed and not my best for a lot of this quarter. But guess what? The Betch is Back! I’m sitting here listening to Iggy Azalea and Lily Allen’s new albums and they’ve given me new life blood. They’re beautiful works of self-confidence and feminism and I LOVE them. “Fuck Love,” “Black Widow,” “Change Your Life (feat. T.I)” and “Fancy (feat. Charli XCX)” are some of my immediate faves off of The New Classic by Iggy. “Sheezus,” “Hard Out Here,” “L8 CMMR” and “Holding Onto Nothing” off of Sheezus by the ever-brilliant Lily Allen are some of my immediate faves off of that album. 

They’ve inspired me to do some spring cleaning in my life. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of irrelevant assholes and the douchey FWB. I’ve also deleted him off of twitter and Instagram because seeing him or reading his tweets does not in fact bring joy to my life so why even have him there?

It’s time to start thinking about ME and only me. It’s my life and my post-grad future and I’ll do what I want. I deserve the best and it’s time to start acting like it. I used to be so picky and then party culture and alcohol happened and it all went down hill. So it’s time to start climbing again people. It’s time to get back on my track. I’ve pledged to love myself more and treat myself like I love myself more. I’ve pledged to go to the gym almost every day because it makes me feel better. Even if I’m feeling lazy. The gym is like my second home. Working out is second nature for me. And I’ve vowed to stop chasing after boys and let the real men find me. If you want me you can try but it’s time to think about me.

So here’s to spring cleaning and passing all my classes. Here’s to living a life full of love for myself, my body, my mind and my soul. Here’s to loving my future. Here’s to me. You Know You Love Me 🙂

– TW 😉

Ugh.

For a person who’s not in a relationship, I seem to have a lot of relationship problems. Too many. V. was right today when she said June 14th needs to be a clean break for me. I need to let go. She told me that I need to just say goodbye and get them all out of my life, it works for her at least. I know I should delete the horrid friends w benefits from my twitter but I can’t seem to do it yet. I’m holding on for whatever ounce of friendship may be left but I can’t have sex with him anymore. It’s degrading.

And then there’s Mr. Friend who said all of these things to me on Friday about how he likes me and wants to be with me but can’t fucking seem to be a man and break up with his partner to try a long distance relationship. I can’t. I can’t be dragged into this again especially when I built myself up when he broke me apart and I got over him. Truly got over him. I know it’s ridiculous but I just want Jose.

But I also just want someone new who isn’t going to treat me like crap or cheat on his girlfriends to get me when he wants. Or when I want. I’m over that. I deserve SO MUCH MORE than that. Fucking men.

Almost is Never Enough

The Westsider is internally self destructing. That’s me. Slowly but surely. I have so much work and stress and anxiety. And then I can’t even go to the gym because I’m actually sick. Which basically means my life is spiraling out of control. I started sexting my fuck buddy last night. I was REALLY trying to get laid and he was REALLY trying to study. Needless to say, my ego took a hit. No sex. But that was extremely reckless behavior. It’s like I was on autopilot going down, down, down, about to crash with no one there to save me or stop me. The good news is that I recognize this dangerous behavior. It’s not the first time I’ve been reckless with somewhat stable relationships of mine. I think when I’m stressed beyond belief I just start grasping at straws and looking every which way, trying to both face and run away from my problems. Drowning. Falling down my own self-created rabbit hole.

I don’t know how to handle this. I’ve also decided that I don’t want ANYONE meddling in my love life. Especially people who don’t have my best interest at heart. Okay, Pre-K and D. can help but they’re the only ones. I’m just so over things right now. This isn’t really how I thought my spring quarter would go but there’s nothing I can do about it. So I guess I’ll just live through it. Try and see old friends, not expect anything from guys in my life (because they all end up disappointing me) and just do me. Keep to myself. Ugh. I’ve been writing this post for a few days now so I suppose I should just post it already.

*this post is REALLY LATE in terms of being published.

You Know You Love Me 🙂
-TW 😉

New Quarter, New Goals

Well friends the time has come. It is officially the LAST quarter of my undergraduate career. Say what!?! It seems just yesterday I was moving into the tower, excited for all the new possibilities and now here I am…almost a college graduate. This time has gone by so quickly. I can hardly believe it. So what’s a girl like me to do? 

Well for one, I’m trying to balance out my checkbook. My financial goal this quarter is to Save! Save! Save! Especially since I’m going to Las Vegas AND Stagecoach this quarter. I’m so thrilled but I’m also apprehensive. I feel as though I’ve spent SO MUCH already but when I look at the list of expenses, about 95% of them were necessities, so I suppose I shouldn’t feel *too* bad 😉 Other goals for the quarter? Well trying to get a job is a HUGE one. I’m so close to the job of my dreams that I can almost taste it so I’m hoping I get offered a position. Cross your fingers and send me your good energy please! 

I’m also trying to check everything off my senior year bucket list. Vegas, Britney Spears and Stagecoach will be checked off. I was never a huge Coachella person and I figure that one day I’ll be performing at the festival so I’ll go then. Some other things on my list include… spending more time with my sorority sisters, going out with an academic bang, sex in the library, camping and learning how to surf. AND going to the beach every week. It’s high time I take advantage of this location (I know, I know, a little late but just in the sense that once a week will be the most I will have ever gone consecutively). 

Basically this quarter is going to be fucking amazing and I’m determined not to let any assholes ruin it. I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships this year and what I want in the future. The thought of Jose still hurts my heart a little but I’ve moved on. I don’t have the same conscious feelings for him. He’s essentially dead to me minus that small cosmic pull. And I’m happy about that. Fuck twisted relationships. Ain’t NOBODY got time for that. And that’s a fact. You Know You Love ME 🙂

– TW aka Soon to be a College grad! 😉